Because some people might not be so into booze as therapy (what? whyyyy???), we figured we’d offer an alternative in the form of an advice column.
Artist's rendering of Alotsky Ovechkin.Credit: Hyperbole and a Half. Not pictured: Alot of hockey gear; Alot of missing teeth.
Now it’s time to meet your advice columnist, Alotsky Ovechkin!
Q. Dear Alotsky Ovechkin,
I am missing alot of my front teeth, and sometimes people–especially girls–find it hard to look at me. You’re missing some front teeth, but you’ve got girls all over you. What’s your secret?
–Amateur Hockey Leaguer
A. Dear AHL,
Alot not know why for to share feelings with. Alot just want to be left alone.
However, Alot offer advice because Alot like hockey. Alot hairy, so good in cold. Alot also have cousin, Alexander Ovechkin.
Alot suggest hockey player for to focus on beauty inside. Alot think teeth not barrier to fulfilling relationship. Alot find many pretty girl with ugly mind.
–A. Ovechkin
Need Alot of Advice? Just post a comment in response to this article and we’ll make this a recurring feature!
My dog knocked my bottle of $4 Trader Joe\’s wine (what?) off the coffee table, and now there\’s a sprinkling of red wine spots on my carpet. I rent. Help?
Alot for some reason now have Dee Snider version of Stanley Steemer jingle stuck in head. Option good only if actual Dee Snider cleans carpet. Otherwise, Resolve and toothbrush. Or move out in middle of night.
I’m slowly getting to know my long-term boyfriend’s mom via email and the occasional brief visit (she lives several states away). He finds her a little difficult to get along with – she throws crying fits to get her way, suffers from abysmal self esteem, and takes offense easily and often.
That said, I want to set the stage for a good relationship, since I’m hoping her son will be in my life for a long time. Other than being respectful and letting the little stuff go, what can I do to make this easy on everyone involved?
Alot suggest to take Boyfriend Mom on trip to National Zoo during next visit and leave her in lion enclosure. Also, do not feed popcorn to the tapir.
I’m in the habit of skipping lunch at work (I know, I know) and then eating a huge dinner. Lately I’ve been getting back into running, though, and I’ve figured out the obvious – I need to eat a good lunch if I’m going to go for run after work. What can I bring in that’s cheap, easy, and appealing enough that I’ll actually eat it?
Beef jerky. Alot craves protein. You should, too.
I need a killer recipe for sangria. (Red wine, not white.) Any ideas?
1. go to store
2. buy sangria
3. you’re welcome
P.S.: Don’t forget to invite Alot. Alot know where you live.
My exboyfriend lives a block away. He’s in a long term relationship and so am I. He also has a really nice pool. He keeps inviting me over for a swim (sans our respective significant others). I know intellectually there’s nothing sleazy about it – we’ve kept in touch, are genuinely friends, and he’d never come anywhere near me – but it still feels kind of sneaky somehow. Am I being overly sensitive?
Your ex tried to ride Alot like I was floating pool toy while listening to Nickelback. Also would not stop laughing. Alot no understand why funny and suggest cutting off all communication. Also, Nickelback suck.